MISS NOBODY (2010)
Sarah jane: For a long time,
I'd walk into work convinced they all knew,
They saw right through me, me and my innocent act,
Which never used to be an act--
It's who I really was.
I would never do anything bad, ever!
I always imagined myself having a simple life--
Find a nice guy, settle down, live happily ever after.
Who would've thought
Looking for love would be so tricky?
But like mom always said,
"sarah jane, ambition will put you in an early grave."
That's me, sarah jane mckinney,
Administrative assistant at judge pharmaceuticals.
( elevator bell dings )
Okay, I was a secretary,
Five years and counting. I was good at my job,
And I even liked it most of the time.
But you know what they say--
A job doesn't keep you warm at night
Or make your heart skip a beat.
I was beginning to wonder--
Had my life been jinxed right from the start?
When I was a kid, I was mom's little movie star,
Which explains why she did me up just like audrey hepburn
For the st. George's beauty pageant.
Well, that's mom.
I tried to make her happy, and for good reason...
Claire! ...My dad.
( plays discordant notes )
Claire!
The divorce papers clearly state that I got rights!
Now, where's my goddamn daughter?
Shh! Shut up.
Get off me! Stop!
My mom believed in karma,
That we all got what we deserved.
But me, I...
I leaned more towards divine intervention,
My guardian angel.
( bell tolling )
St. George.
Dragon slayer, patron saint of chivalry,
Knights, romance...
And justice.
( school bell rings ) but ever since then,
St. George has watched out for me.
Take frankie sheftell.
I thought frankie was everything a girl could want--
Popular...
Athletic...
( grunts )
( whistle blows )
A serious hottie.
Oh, don't worry. He survived.
He even asked me to marry him
Over a milkshake at the dairy joy.
Mom was heartbroken when he ditched me at the altar,
But really st. George had sent me
Another blessing in disguise.
The blessing was the salad girl from pizza hut,
And her name turned out to be dick.
( weeping )
Was I unlucky in love?
You never really know.
I trusted my guardian angel.
St. George would guide me to my knight in shining armor.
Please, please, please grant me this wish.
Show me the right path,
And I promise I will never let you down,
Never ever ever.
Honest.
I swear it.
I faced life at judge one day at a time...
With my bff, charmaine abatemarco.
...Posted right there on the board.
I says to myself, "charmaine," I says...
That's so charmaine, always with the big plans.
She had ambition. I wish I had big plans.
You know what I'm saying? Hey!
Hmm?
So I applied, and I will not be denied.
You should totally apply, too.
I mean, I don't know if you'll get it,
'cause I have more experience,
But you should definitely try.
Sarah jane: Lie? Claire: That's right, lie.
If you want this gig, you gotta get
A little loosey-goosey with the facts.
I know, but a master's in chemistry?
Look, judge pharmaceuticals is a drug company, right?
Well, if you want to be an executive,
Vast right-wing conspiracy, you gotta smell like one.
Yeah, but, mom, it's just-- it's so wrong.
( laughing )
What if they check up?
That's the beauty of lying, baby, the never do.
They're too busy lying to themselves.
Come on, honey, look, do you wanna be like me,
Or do you wanna be like me?
( coughing )
Oh, mr.--
No, mom, I got it.
Swallowed your dentures again!
Mr. Ketchum! Mr. Ketchum!
There you go. Cough 'em up.
Cough 'em right there.
That's our boarder, mr. Ketchum.
Mom was so tired of fishing his dentures out of the toilet,
But he was a sweet old man...
Although his alzheimer's was definitely getting worse.
( stops speaking )
Uh, mr. Ketchum?
Just once, why couldn't mom rent
To some young, handsome guy?
Mr. Ketchum? Dorothy?
Mr. Ketchum! Hi.
I'm okay.
( flushes ) me too.
Thanks.
You okay, mr. Ketchum?
Okay, mr. Ketchum, let's go.
Upstairs, beddy-bye.
Go on, you old fart.
How he pays his rent, I'll never know.
Must have some money buried in the cellar, huh?
Oh, oh! Oh, and madame curie,
"chemistry's" spelled with one "m," not two.
Hmm.
"dear mr. Gabowski, I have been
An administrative assistant at judge..."
I worked on that application until 3:00 in the morning.
I told them that I loved chemistry,
That I loved judge pharmaceuticals,
And that I knew that company from the inside out.
I didn't think of it as lying,
Just embellishing a bit.
Look, I omitted the part about being nominated
For a nobel peace prize.
St. George would grant me some wiggle room.
Charmaine: Oh, my god. What?
You got it! No!
Yes! A junior executive.
St. George and I were on our way up.
Secretary-wise,
I knew everybody and everybody knew me.
There wasn't a xerox copier I couldn't ink,
A bigalow's tea bag I couldn't locate.
But that? That was ancient history.
I'd moved up to judge pharmaceuticals
Famed division four.
My first day as a junior executive,
I toasted st. George with a double-shot low-fat hazelnut latte
And fortified myself with estee lauder
Perfume freebies at nordstrom's.
Stop by confession first or nordstrom's?
Nordstrom's. Mm. Sexy.
Constipated, period? Nope.
Cramps, eczema, asthma? No.
Mm. Ah-ha. So.
( elevator bell dings )
You gonna knock 'em dead or what?
Do I know you from somewhere?
Charmaine abatemarco, honeybun.
Seventy-five words per minute, coffee always fresh,
And don't you dare forget me. Hey, sarah jane!
Don't you dare.
Oh. Uh, you must be miss mckinney.
Milo beeber.
( sighs )
They didn't tell you.
Tell me?
St. Louis division flew me in last Friday.
They didn't tell you.
Oh, a-all I know is that I applied
For this job a month ago, and mr. Grabow--
Grabowski's been fired.
Oh.
Promotion's off.
Oh.
Um, I assume this is yours, yes?
Uh-huh.
And...
Yeah.
I'm being let go?
Oh, no, nothing like that.
You get to be my new secretary.
Will that be all, sir?
Um... Coffee.
Coffee?! He actually said that?
Mm-hmm! Translation-- put up, suck up, or die!
But still, oh! Ugh!
He's kind of cute. Charmaine abatemarco!
I'm just saying, you know, he could be quite a catch.
What?
Sweetie, look. It wasn't but a minute ago
You were all set to marry frankie numb-nuts.
Remember him? You wanted to start
Popping out little pygmies,
Grow an industrial-sized ass, and settle down
For a nice long run as a housefrau?
When that didn't fly, you set your sights on the executive suites.
Why? Hey! 'cause you're a survivor, right?
All I'm selling now is survive more!
Combine the two and become mrs. Beeber,
Executive housefrau.
No, uh-uh, no way.
I don't even know if this beeber guy is even attracted to me.
Rule of thumb-- if the new boss
Is even the least bit game,
He starts with the wandering hand disease.
At first, his wrist
Will accidentally dust yours.
This usually happens after lunch--
Like, 3:00 at the latest.
By Thursday, he'll find some way to stroke your cheek.
It's all very subtle at first.
He'll think it's you, but it's not.
In a week, if he's still hot to trot,
He'll chummy up with an innocent backrub.
Bosses are the easiest men to screw.
Sarah jane: Char had a point!
He certainly was touchy.
On the other hand...
I mean, I have been half-fondled
And sexually harassed. ( gasps )
I needed some advice
From someone who knew about men.
( chuckles ) as far as the target gender goes,
This little number?
Guaranteed erection.
Mom, you want me to wear that?
Oh, listen, doll!
Sex-wise, men are obsessed with four things.
Two of them, like cow udders, fit here,
The third is a foul and disgusting jungle,
And the fourth is some bizarre fetish having to do with calf muscles,
Hence my all-purpose come-fuck-me pumps.
Double bueno!
You'll be the ho I always hoped for.
You know how every girl has worn that one dress
That was just an inch too short...
Or maybe four to five inches?
In any event, it seemed to be working.
( elevator bell dings )
I was getting noticed!
( elevator bell dings )
I was on my way up.
Are you all right?
It's almost 6:00.
How's about you go grab the files,
And, uh, we'll work through dinner.
You like chinese food?
I love chinese food.
Good. I know the perfect spot.
How about this hemorrhoid cream?
Stats say it's a top seller.
One mu shu pork and three mai tais later,
I found myself drifting off.
Why are people needing so much hemorrhoid cream?
Rear schmear.
But mr. Beeber kept talking work...
Write that down. We'll bring that up.
...And I wanted him talking us.
Rear schmear. It's the whole rhyming thing.
It's like mom always said.
Best way to keep a man interested?
Get him talking about himself.
Mr. Beeber? I-I can't help wondering.
I mean, you have this mile-long resume.
Why--
Why did I accept this position?
I mean, it kind of seems like a step down.
No offense.
New job.
Gotcha. Bored.
No, new job. N-e-w j-o-b.
Nether, everwright,
Wilder, jejeune,
Ormsby, and bardo.
See, back in st. Louis,
The head honchos are entrenched for life.
There's no chance for me to move up.
But... Here,
The right exec can gut the competition
And move straight to the top.
New job.
"how does he plan to do this?" she asks.
With this little blue pill.
Clarity.
It reverses age-onset senility.
Clarity has been developed years ago.
It had only been tested a little bit
And then mothballed due to budget cuts.
The one thing he was convinced of,
It was sure to be the next wonder drug.
Maybe charmaine was right!
Maybe this guy was a catch!
Business is like chess, sarah jane. Yeah?
You always gotta think three moves ahead.
Like, when I stole your job and insisted you work for me...
I wanted you on my side.
You did?
The question is, do you stick around and play my queen,
Or stay the pawn?
Queen sounds real nice.
Let's say we finish up back at my place.
( slurps anxiously )
( burps )
Excuse me.
( thunder rumbles )
All right. It's right in here.
Oh.
Ah! Home base.
Make yourself at home.
Nice place.
Thank you. I just moved in,
So please excuse the mess.
Mm.
Yeah, I made a killing on a foreclosure sale.
Here you are.
To subprime bankruptcies.
( phone chirps )
Hmm! Uh, just a second. Sorry.
( camera sound clicks )
Sorry about that, but for a moment there,
I thought it was my fiancee.
What? Fiancee?
Mm-hmm.
You-- you mean you're engaged?
Yeah.
Wait, we're not gonna date?
Date? You and me? No, of course not.
Why not?
I mean...
Then why am I here?
It-- you're my secretary.
I always have sex with my secretary.
What-- yeah.
Um--
It's--
Mr. Beeber!
The ladder! I like it on the ladder.
Haven't tried it that way yet.
Get off of me! You just get off of me!
Mr. Beeber. Mr. Beeber!
( gasps ) uh! Ooh!
Feisty.
Mr. Beeber, I said no!
Oh!
Mr. Beeber?
Are you okay?
( gasps )
( muffles a shriek )
Next day, it was there on my face
For all the world to see...
Guilty.
Ah, there she is.
Sarah jane mckinney?
Yes. It was the police.
Put out your hands, please.
They'd found out. I was sure of it.
Congratulations. You've got your promotion. What?
We just flew in from the head office to give you the news.
It seems that mr. Beeber's had,
Well, a rather unfortunate accident.
( gasps ) no.
I-I hope he is all right.
An umbrella just, uh--
Right through. Well, it's tragic, really.
But the good new is is that you're next in line.
That is good news. So look on the bright side.
His loss is your gain.
I finally had my promotion!
I did write a nice sympathy note
To mr. Beeber's fiancee.
I was sorry for her...
Even if she was going to marry a lech.
It didn't take a genius to see that none of the execs
Had a clue about the horrors of cellulite-- or cared!
In short, fat cells push up against fibrous tissue
To form clumps of fat called cellulite.
Cream-wise, nothing we have puts a dent in it.
Maybe I wasn't as far out of my league as I thought.
Meet cynthia bardo.
Ms. Bardo had been crated in from the new England branch.
Her main expertise?
Sales, with a side order of s-e-x.
Leonard ormsby, marketing guru.
Leonard's wife had recently given him an ultimatum--
Either he lose the blubber gut,
Or she'd divorce him and marry his twin.
That's joshua nether, head of finance
And our resident sexual predator.
He thought of himself as a lady-killer,
But really all the ladies wanted to kill him.
Then there was pierre jejeune, public relations.
His superiors thought he walked on water,
But to everyone else, total bottom feeder.
( growls )
Next up, nan wilder, product development czar
And my boss.
She was known to play favorites.
It's not a bad gig if you can get it.
Last but not least, mr. Hale everwright,
Division four's big man in charge.
Apparently mr. E. Had little, if any idea what he was doing,
But that didn't stop him from leading division four
With great, albeit clueless, gusto.
There you have it-- n-e-w j-o-b. New job.
...Suppositories and wipes are performing in the field.
Excellent. Very good work.
( whispers ) sarah jane. Sarah.
( whispers ) jane.
Jane.
These psoriasis stats?
So, our butt plugs and wipes
Cause 10% of the public to itch a twitch.
What do we care if it works for the other 90?
Uh, well, in terms of competition--
Pierre's right. If this goop sues--
Better yet, sells-- then that's why we
Exist, isn't it, to make profits?
Thank you for backing me up on that.
Good job, sarah jane.
Their message was clear.
The game is dog-eat-dog.
Did I feel small?
Oh, yeah, so much that I nearly confessed.
Charmaine, what I'm trying to say is that
I might have done something bad, very bad.
You gonna eat your shrimp?
Charmaine, I'm talking here!
Look, I know, all right?
You know?
Absolutely.
Did you do bad? No doubt about it.
So your new challenge is how fast can you score
Before wilder fires your ass.
Hold on. Wait. I'm getting fired?
( slurping ) sarah jane, give me a swig of your coke.
The game is hardball.
You gotta think three steps ahead.
That's what beeber said.
Beeber, schmeeber.
The question is did he leave anything behind that you can rip off?
He never mentioned some new malaria drug,
Or, I don't know, a spiffy new ointment? Clarity.
Missy, I think I'm being plenty clear, right?
Enough career talk.
( sighs )
Hey, dish me. Who'd you slay?
What do you mean?
Men, you nerdling!
Oh! Which exec did you set your beady little eyes on?
Speak of the devil. ( growls )
Johnny, god! Hi, there.
What, baby? Hey, sarah jane.
So, is it true what they say,
Execs, uh, do it better?
Cool breeze, lay off.
All right, charmaine, come on.
Come on, come on, come on, come on!
We only got an hour left.
That's johnny, char's husband.
Sorry.
They were trying for a baby...
Mm!
...But char was still sneaking the pill.
She said she liked the extra attention.
Was I jealous of char?
Maybe a little.
But I had clarity to think about.
The deeper I sank my teeth into clarity,
The more I was convinced I was onto something.
With clarity, older lab rats
Had increased their cognitive abilities tenfold.
I mean, who wouldn't want smarter elderly rats?
So, with my ad campaign,
Mouthwash sales could enjoy an uptick of 3%.
Care to comment, sarah jane?
Um...
Why only three?
( chuckles )
( laughing )
It's ridiculous, right? ( sighs ) I know.
Do you agree? Yes, I do agree. I agree.
And now they're enacting laws so we can't even conduct research on illegal immigrants.
I mean, american citizens, okay, but foreigners?
( snorts ) I mean, how are we ever to know if
These idiotic drugs actually work?
It's crazy.
A surefire cure for alzheimer's would be my ticket to success,
But first I had to test it
On a living, breathing human being...
And I had the perfect guinea pig.
The following night I slipped 10 milligrams
Of clarity into mr. Ketchum's mushroom soup.
Uh, salty.
Oh, for christ's sake, it's like caring for an infant.
Day one. Minor motor control issues.
Mr. Ketchum?
Oh.
( alarm clock dinging )
I couldn't let anyone know I had clarity,
So I had to do all my research on the sly,
Keep clarity under wraps.
It was a delicate balancing act,
So I prayed to st. George for wisdom and patience...
Patience to deal with my personal secretary,
L.J. Feffer.
L.J.! I'm expecting a very important call from miss wilder.
( phone ringing )
Having a male secretary was a nice twist,
But seriously...
L.J.: Hello? Is there anything else?
The wheel was spinning, but the hamster was dead.
Hel-hello?
( beep )
L.J., are you buzzing me?
No. Hello?
( beeps ) l.J.
L.J.? Huh?
Did you-- no. Hello?
Buzz me?
( beeping )
Ugh.
L.J., who was that?
Who was what?
On the phone?
Um, I told her that you were busy.
Told who?
Um...
Miss wilder.
Miss wilder? L.J., she's my boss!
I was waiting for her call.
I said that was a very important call!
Whoops. I didn't-- know that--
I guess that's my bad, hmm?
Is there anything else?
Yes. Staples are for paper,
Not for pants.
I'll staple you. Stapler.
( spritzing ) ( knocking )
Miss wilder? Ah.
Sarah jane. Glad you stopped by. Come on in.
I'm having a bit of a problem with your performance lately.
It's too good.
Gee. For a moment there-- threw you, huh?
Mm. Damn it.
Now, orchids I can deal with,
But bonsais are so, uh, touchy.
May I?
Sure.
Yeah, you're killing them with kindness.
Bonsai plants, you have to have a deft hand.
Sort of, uh, flatter them a little?
Exactly. Next time, you just turn the nozzle to "spray."
The girl even knows plants. ( chuckles )
Miss wilder-- sarah jane--
Go ahead.
Well...
I just wanted to say,
Woman to woman,
That I think that you rank right up there
With, like, I don't know. Oprah.
Why, sarah jane!
Are you trying to kiss my ass?
Yes, ma'am, I believe I am.
Good. It shows spunk. Have a seat.
Play the queen, never the pawn.
Mr. Beeber taught me that.
Really?
Milo and I came up in the company together.
We even had a pet project-- clarity.
Hmm. Actually, I-I barely got to know him.
He was all penis.
Gotcha.
And I was a headstrong woman
In an increasingly wussified man's world,
So we joined forces...
To get ahead.
After all, we all want to get ahead,
Don't we, sarah jane?
Miss wilder, I'm not getting your drift.
Then why are you holding my old clarity files?
This? No. No, no, no, you're mistaken.
You know what else I think?
I think that you were with beeber the night he died.
How can you-- no--
'cause that night, beeber texted me...
Your picture, and typed in
That he was about to bed you down.
We were kinky that way.
See?
( click )
( inhales ) mm!
We went to dinner...
That night, sure.
For work.
I-I just got confused--
So, you were with him that night?
At dinner. But not at his--
Then why didn't you call the police?
Because he stole my job,
And--and I didn't think that they would believe me.
I mean, who am I? I'm a nobody.
Why don't we just call the police,
You know, tell them your little story,
And see what they think.
No, no, no, please don't.
Were you at his place or not?
You killed him, didn't you?
Miss wilder, you have to understand.
He fell off of this ladder
And landed on this cheap umbrella.
You mean my housewarming gift?
I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to kill him.
Please, you have to understand that.
I swear. Just--
Don't call the police.
Call the police? Now? ( chuckles )
Why on earth would I do that?
No. No, no, no, no, no.
No?
I'll tell you what I'll be wanting.
You'll be giving me 80% of your paycheck
Each week in cash.
You can leave now.
I had a difficult decision to make--
Give in to miss wilder's demands,
Electrocute her at the water cooler,
Or trip her on the subway.
Tough choices.
A sign! St. George was with me.
"...Mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the lord forever."
It would be miss wilder's fondest wish
That would you fill in at her desk, sarah jane.
"fondest wish."
Still, I began to get this feeling
The other execs didn't like me very much.
I needed guidance from a higher source.
Look, st. George, I know you just gave me a sign,
But when I saw those execs eyeballing me,
It really got me thinking that maybe
That legless george guy was just a coincidence,
So no offense, but I'd really like another sign,
Just, you know, to confirm that I'm on the right track.
Did I under-do the candles?
No? Good. Okay.
( mouse squeaks )
Claire: Sarah jane! Sarah jane, we have mice!
Don't just sit there!
Come and help me catch the little bastard! On, no!
( indistinct shrieking )
Aaah! Aaah!
Aah! Aah! Oh, my god.
St. George!
Uh, no, ma'am, knight in shining armor.
( swoons )
Oh! Oh, my god. I completely forgot.
Baby, meet detective sergeant bill malloy,
Our new boarder.
Um, um, sergeant malloy,
This is my daughter, sarah jane mckinney.
She's an executive.
Well, sarah jane, it's, uh, it's very nice to meet you.
Detective sergeant bill malloy.
Mrs. Detective sergeant sarah jane mckinney-malloy.
It was as if my dreams were finally coming true!
I'm not rushing.
And you're flushed. Why are you flushed?
It's my rouge. Your rouge? Who the hell says "rouge"?
Excuse me, sorry.
What's with all the smirking?
I'm not smirking. Ach!
I'm not. Holy shit, it's a guy.
Shh. It's not a guy.
Char... It's a guy.
( laughing )
I was like a fire hydrant.
I-I couldn't shut off.
I was so excited that--
I feel embarrassed even saying this,
But I felt like I was gonna faint.
Yeah! No kidding. Faint.
Anyway, I told charmaine everything I know
About sergeant bill malloy.
He was a cop, but suspended.
He'd gone too far in this gang-related drug investigation.
D.A.'s turf, he'd said. D.A.'s turf?
( cup shatters, body thuds )
I mean, how cool is that?
Claire: Is everything all right in there?
I'm all right.
Day 30. 20 milligrams.
Increased energy and coordination.
His captain had to put him on ice
For a while to simmer down.
On ice! I mean, don't you just love it?
Oh... ( triumphant fanfare )
Hi.
( fax whirrs, beeps )
Pierre: Ms. Abatemarco, I've seen better handwriting
From a dead baboon-- not alive. Dead.
Now, if I were a member of, say, a state crime lab,
Maybe, maybe, I could deciphering your scribbling.
But I am not a member of the state crime lab.
Um, sorry. Mm...
A zib of baila?
No.
Um, ballcock? Bal-- ballyhock?
No.
Bla-- blaylock? Mr. Blaylock?
Blaylock.
Excellent. That was-- that was perfect.
The only problem is here I needed to speak
To mr. B-b-b-blaylocke yesterday!
But I couldn't speak to mr. B-b-b-blaylocke
Yesterday, because I mistook
Your fucking message for a fucking doodle.
Because no one in their right fucking mind
Would ever interpret your fucking handwriting
As even remotely linked
To the english fucking language!
A few things about pierre jejeune--
Public relations was his vehicle
For trading inside information.
Even the mayor was in on the action.
And he liked to sample the secretarial buffet.
Podophilia, it's called.
He also liked to watch. ( moaning )
Billed his late-night interoffice
Popcorn porno parties to his expense account.
Get out. You're fired.
Um, excuse me.
But, uh, charmaine, l.J.'s moving
To mr. Everwright's desk next week, so you're hired.
Um, but mr. Jejeune, he just--
Charmaine. I said... You're hired.
Now, get your stuff and go.
Okay.
Wow. So, you like to play games, mckinney.
You think you got clarity now? Well, fine.
Why don't you take your...
Frisky little breasts back to miss wilder's office
And you can conjure up your little schemes.
But when you're all by your lonesome,
Remember this--
We're not friends
Anymore.
¶ tra-la-la la-la...¶
( gasps )
¶ la ¶
When he mentioned miss wilder and clarity
In the same breath, I knew he'd sent the fax.
If I learned anything at judge pharmaceutical,
It's you have to think three steps ahead.
( chuckles )
Nether, you dirty dog!
Nether and jejeune had this running gag.
One would give the other the hottest porn of the week.
Then the recipient would xerox his naked butt
And leave it on the other's desk
As a token of his appreciation.
Ooh.
¶ tra-la-la la-la ¶
¶ la ¶
( confessional divider slides )
I've been bad, father.
Mm. How bad?
Well, let's see.
I have argued with my mother...
I've been prideful, vain, unkind,
And I killed a few people.
You killed a few people?
It wasn't premeditated, though.
Well, maybe sort of? Does that count?
And these murders, where did they take place?
In a dream? Work.
Mm.
Your boss? Yes.
And others you've come in contact with. Yes.
And because you don't like them,
Or hate then, even,
It's your fault that they die. Yes!
Sarah jane, you have always had
A very vivid imagination.
Yes.
Oh, well, um...
How come you haven't been caught?
St. George.
St. George?
My guardian angel.
Oh.
Father grisham, how else do you explain
Mr. Perfect becoming our boarder?
And-- and old mr. Ketchum progressing so nicely on clarity?
I mean, don't you see? There is a pattern.
So, I just figured that if I came in here
And I cleared the air a little,
That maybe things could get back to,
You know, ( whistles ) normal.
Normal.
Well, uh, sarah jane, this killing business--
When you visualize the act, does it relieve stress?
Yes, father. Yes, it does.
Good. Then... Continue your course.
( knocking )
And, uh, say ten hail marys
And get back to me in a month.
My dad was a cop. My granddad was a cop.
My granddad's granddad was a cop.
Yeah. So, genetically speaking,
We're talking a long line
Of very suspicious people.
( chuckles )
Must be doing something right,
'cause the department lifted my suspension.
I'm working homicide now.
Homicide, really?
Yeah. In fact, I was just handed a case.
One of your, uh, judge execs,
Pierre jejeune.
Really?
Yeah. Electrocuted bare-ass on a copier?
( laughing )
( laughs ) you mean it wasn't an accident?
Well, yeah, in the movies, maybe.
In real life?
You know, detective, I get the feeling that you like to play games.
You're a clever girl, sarah jane.
I'll give you that.
What else will you give me?
A word.
Checkmate.
I'm sorry, officer, but checkmate
Has two "c"s in it, not one.
Not tonight, doll face.
Dorothy!
( dogs barking )
Day 72, 35 milligrams.
Increased motivation.
Decreased inhibition.
He gonna be okay?
Yeah, he does that all the time.
All right, 'cause those are my slippers.
I liked bill, and I think he liked me.
Was he my knight in shining armor,
Or was he the "check" in "checkmate"?
With jejeune's old job, I was now at the center
Of bill's investigation,
But I also had my pardon from father grisham.
St. George, he always had my back.
Ah! Our p.R. Princess hath arrived!
Sarah jane, let me give you the blow-by-blow
Of the halldice conference.
L.J.!
Um, a) we go in gangbusters.
High energy. Lightning in a bottle.
Charmaine, b).
Sarah jane delivers the powerpoint presentation and the big spiel.
Mm-hmm, and finally c).
If the fish are biting, there will be
A perfect lull after you're done speaking,
At which point I want you to say nothing, as in nada!
Let them come to you.
And if they don't bite?
In that case, there'll be
A much longer, deadlier silence,
At which point morty
Will hop onto his trusty steed
And save fair damsel nell
With such an incredible line of horseshit
Even charmaine'd buy it.
Tah-dah!
Morty wickham had been flown in
To help me get a handle on my new job in p.R.
He'd been jejeune's protege.
Morty had been passed over for jejeune's job
On account of a minor drug habit.
( shudders ) ooh.
I didn't have to worry about him hitting on me.
I wasn't his type.
You getting this down?
I'm typing as fast as I can.
Morty, you're the one with the charisma.
You give the speech. Oh, nonsense.
You're charming and fresh-faced.
Besides, if you need help, I'll be right in the front row.
Don't you sweat it, baby. I've got your back.
Every year, our company sponsored the halldice conference.
Top executives flew in from all over the country.
We presented our newest products,
Laid out marketing strategies for them by day,
And interns by night.
It was my big debut as head of p.R.,
My chance to make a good impression,
To be taken seriously,
Not just some other blonde bimbo
Trying to get ahead.
Judge would be the first to promote homeopathic bandages
Saturated with honey instead of antibiotics,
Which would occupy a place
In every medicine cabinet in every home
Across america.
Honey-soaked band-aids?
Gee, folks, sounds kind of strange to me.
Um, is there a problem, mr. Wickham?
Yes, miss mckinney.
Excuse me, sarah.
Prescriptive antibiotics
Are this company's bread and butter.
Are you really proposing that we forsake
Our loyal doctors and hospitals
For some touch-me, feel-me, granola-inspired
Do-it-yourself kit?
"gee, doc, tommy's got a flesh-eating virus."
"buy a honey-soaked band-aid."
( laughing )
"gee, doc, little buffy's chemo spiked a fever."
"apply two honey-soaked gauze pads
And call me in the morning."
I mean, come on, people!
Not only is this ludicrous,
It's idiotic!
I mean, what the hell is honey anyway?
Bee vomit!
I think st. George would agree.
Morty had not been very chivalrous.
( cartoon soundtrack playing )
( gas hissing )
( laughing )
( explosion )
This just in-- a tragic fire broke out
In the boroughs this evening
When a faulty gas line erupted.
Firefighters wrestled with that blaze
For over an hour before getting it under control.
Unfortunately, the fire did claim the life
Of the homeowner, identified as mortimer j. Wickham,
A rising executive with judge pharmaceuticals.
In other news tonight...
Hey!
Did you guys hear that?
News said some, uh, exec from judge
Just bit the dust-- mortimer wickham.
Morty? Are you kidding?
Char and I worked with him.
Not anymore. Gas leak blew him to bits.
That makes four. Four?
Yeah, beeber, wilder, jejeune... Now morty.
Well, I heard that they were all accidents.
Four accidental deaths in ten months?
So, what are you saying, john, I mean, we're jinxed?
All I'm saying is statistically speaking--
Doesn't add up.
Maybe we shouldn't go back to work. I mean--
No, no, no.
Yours truly is on the case.
As soon as I get a handle on this jejeune thing,
I'll know what's what.
However...
Just maybe, the three of you are gonna die...
From dancing. Come on, baby.
When I was four years old, I was scared of my own shadow.
You were?
Yeah, crying every day and night,
And my old man, right,
Big porterhouse of a cop, he says to me,
"hey, billy boy, we're going to florida,
"and you'd better be ready to fly.
Any crying, there's gonna be trouble."
So, for six incredibly long days,
I was completely terrified.
Because you were sure you were going to cry.
Because I didn't know how to fly.
( sighs )
You know, sarah jane...
People aren't who they seem to be.
All the garbage, all the lies
A cop has to deal with?
Sometimes I feel like I'm still trying
To grow those wings, rise above it all.
Bill, do you think I'll ever fly above the clouds?
You stick with me, kid.
I'll fly you to the moon.
Or put you in jail. ( laughing )
( door opens )
So...
( laughs ) sarah jane, it was a real pleasure.
Bill, it was a real pleasure, too.
All right. You sleep as snug as a bug in a rug, okay?
Bill.
Listen, sarah jane, I'm an old-fashioned guy,
Okay, and when the time is right, we're both gonna know it.
Yeah. Yeah?
Yeah yeah yeah.
In the meantime, you just keep flirting with me.
Night.
Good night.
( sighs ) me, I would've jumped his bones,
Cop or no cop.
Mom--
( bill's door closes )
( urinating )
Oh, mr. Ketchum!
Uh, I'm okay.
( sighs ) oh, crap.
( thuds )
( heart monitor beeping )
Fairly serious stroke.
We're doing everything we can. Try not to worry.
Worry? If it was up to me,
I'd let the old turd break his neck months ago. Mom!
I can't believe he's getting by on just his social security.
Mom, will you just stop it!
When you're off having your fancy lunches,
I'm home all goddamn day... That wheezing sounds quite deep.
...Boiling his vegetables, dirty underwear, and sheets... See me after.
I'm fine, doc. I said see me after!
...Change his diapers? No fucking way!
Mrs. Mckinney, is this about the bill?
The bill? Doctor, it's 5:00 in the fucking morning.
I got pee puddles all over my goddamn house!
Um, mrs. Mckinney, I'm working open shifts now.
I might be able to help you out some.
Thanks. Yeah.
( wheezing )
It's true, I couldn't breathe.
Breathe?
( wheezes )
Was it because I was scared of falling in love?
Arms up. Breathe.
Did I fear being hurt again?
Or was it because of those--?
Cough.
( coughs ) the things I'd done.
See, doctor, it's nothing.
Mm-hmm.
Tell me, have you been anxious lately?
Holding something in?
I'm a little tired.
You can put your arms down.
No problems in the workplace, people stressing you out?
Hmm-mm.
Because asthma can be emotional in origin,
Sort of a chain reaction thing.
I'm prescribing a new medication for you.
( cabinet opens )
Foururadol.
But it is not--
And I can't emphasize this enough--
It is not to be mixed with aspirin products.
Gotcha. No aspirini, no problimi.
Combining the two can be lethal.
Huh.
You know, sarah jane,
All those people dying at your work's got me thinking.
Yeah, bill? What about?
I mean, four execs in ten months?
It's like johnny said, the odds of that happening...
I don't know if you ever heard of some gay guy
Being blown up in his own house,
Or some idiot being electrocuted
Bare-ass on a xerox machine.
I looked it up.
No one's been hit by a train in years.
( screaming in film )
I mean, isn't it just a bit coincidental
That beeber's phone records show him text-messaging wilder
The very same night he died?
But you never found miss wilder's cell phone, right?
No, actually, I did. On the subway tracks.
It was all mashed up.
Still, the, uh, lab thinks they can recover the chip.
And another thing-- death by umbrella?
That doesn't strike you as strange?
You mean, beeber?
Hot-shot executives just don't shish-kebab
Themselves on their own rain gear. It doesn't happen.
Well, I don't-- I mean, maybe--
It's possible-- I barely knew him,
But I don't know,
Maybe he just slipped off of his ladder.
I never said he had a ladder.
I must've heard that at work.
Yeah.
What?
I don't know. You like your bouillabaisse?
It's delicious. How's yours?
Oh, fantastic.
I'm in real trouble, st. George.
If bill's onto me,
Then I'm gonna need to make a move.
But if I make a move and in the process
Realize that bill's not onto me,
He might in turn realize what's up,
And then he will be onto me...
And I like this guy.
Oh, I want this guy.
So, I guess...
What I'm saying is...
I would like a miracle, please.
Now.
Okay, maybe not a miracle...
But a sign, at least?
All right?
( distant thunder rumbles )
( rain patters )
( sighs in relief )
I needed a way out of this mess,
And there, in that purifying rain,
It came to me--
I needed a fresh start with no strings
And no trail.
I needed--
It's a win-win.
A fall guy.
...With my buddies at ortho blue,
We manufacture, we distribute.
Their logo, their liability.
Plus, we just put up half the money.
Eh, josh, these test results--
Increased heart rate, liver complications, stroke?
Yeah, nobody said it was perfect.
Have you run this by the chicago office?
Milo beeber did last fall.
Milo beeber?
Yeah. It was his pet project over at ortho.
He even came up with the name.
You guys ready? Clarity. Clarity.
And you said it causes stroke?
Exactly. The potential damage to customers is--
4% tops. Six, maybe five deaths per annum...
Right. ...Provided they overdose.
And the upside?
Upside! Big upside!
Salary bonuses, stock options, promotions all around.
People, it's not perfect. Nothing is.
I say we go for it. Hands?
Nether wanted clarity?
Oh, he could have it.
Joshua nether, a walking, talking,
Sexual harassment machine.
Like they said in rome,
Live by the sword, die by the sword.
Nether would never know what hit him.
I had his number...
( laughing )
...All of his numbers.
Social security number,
Mother's birthday, and password.
I took the funds he controlled for clarity
And transferred them to accounts I'd created.
Pretending to be his wife,
I withdrew all those diverted funds,
And pretending to be his girlfriend,
I booked two first-class tickets to moldova.
Oh, fyi? Moldova has no extradition treaty
With the United States. I looked it up.
Oh, that-- no, no.
This was my absolute last date ever
With anyone whose name wasn't bill malloy.
I just prayed that bill would never know
What I've done in the name of love.
( forcing laugh )
( phone ringing )
Mom, let me call you back.
I'm, uh, rockin' and rollin'.
Home, james!
I couldn't keep this up much longer. Something had to give.
Here comes the airplane into the hangar.
That's right. Big open...
Sadly, it turned out to be mr. Ketchum.
( sighs ) swallow 'em down, mr. Ketchum.
Here comes another lovely, lovely bite.
Here we go. Mm! That's a good boy.
Yeah, you like my mashed peas.
( burps )
Okay. You ready?
( mumbling )
( thuds )
Day 97. Breathing discontinued.
With mr. Ketchum dead, it was like mom...
Was ready for a close-up.
Well, it would be her first full-fledged wake
She'd thrown in years.
Hey, bill! Can you zip--
Where are you going?
I know what you've been up to, sarah jane.
What? Bill!
Honey, these roses-- with or without the baby's breath?
With. Bill!
Ah! Mr. Ketchum.
So, lady, where would you like him?
In the parlor by the open window.
Bill had discovered the truth!
My fall guy had to fall-- and fast.
Sarah jane, let's do it right now!
No! Yes!
Joshua, we'll get caught.
No, we won't. Now.
Besides, you have to go sign those contracts.
Right. Right?
Now, I gave you the address, didn't I?
Yeah. Mm-hmm. Right?
And I want you...
To cab out there.
And be there what time? 3:00.
Room. Eleven.
Go.
Go!
I'm going.
Seducing a self-proclaimed stud monkey
Was far easier than I anticipated...
And, frankly, far more nauseating.
Nether took the bait, all right,
And was trying to swallow it whole.
I typed nether's confession...
Forged his signature and planted some stolen cash...
I borrowed mom's lincoln...
Picked up supplies, concocted my poison...
Let's see. 50 milligrams of clarity
Had been too much for mr. Ketchum...
So I'd use 5,000 for nether.
You know, it's like mom always said--
When entertaining, better too much than too little.
Let's rock.
Joshua: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
One more.
Mm! ( mumbles )
Joshua...
To us.
Uh uh uh!
( makes schmoopy noises ) ( giggles )
Drink up.
Mm.
Do you like your oysters?
I love 'em.
Yeah?
Do you want some more?
You make me want to cry. Come here.
Why don't you have another oyster?
Who needs the oyster when I have the pearl?
Look, look, look, look.
Open up. Open up.
Mm.
( moaning )
( laughing ) oh!
I didn't know what would kick in first,
The oysters or the clarity.
It was the oysters.
Yeah.
Whoa! Oh.
Hey, I never said I was a virgin.
Ooh! Gah! Uh.
( thud ) ooh!
( panting )
( chatter, music )
Oh, sarah jane!
Darlin', come here. Look.
You won't believe this!
April nagata,
Daddy's parole officer!
Oh, it's nice to see you.
Isn't it a shame?
And look, mr. Tippet!
Mr. Ketchum's boss at the funeral home.
Finest goddamn hearse driver that I ever had.
Drunk 24 hours a day-- oh, sorry, father.
Uh.
Hey. Oh, thanks.
Hi, char. How are you?
Food's a class act, s.J. Best wake this year!
Yeah, your mom even busted out the champagne.
Yeah. Okay, um, and this is my newest friend,
Snooks cunningham.
Snooks recently underwent a sex change operation.
How's long's it been now, snooks?
( super deep voice ) last Thursday.
So, old man ketchum.
In the end, how did the son of a bitch go down?
Fightin'?
To the last.
I think he used to bang my late wife dorothy.
My son's his spitting image.
Really. Huh.
Mom? Mm?
Uh, how's mr. Ketchum?
Well, last I looked, honey, he was still dead.
( knocking ) um, just a minute.
Good day. It's father grisham.
( chuckles )
Hi.
I haven't seen you at church...
Or has your st. George replaced me?
I've-- I've just been busy.
Killing people again?
( chuckles weakly ) you mean old mr. Ketchum.
Mm. ( chuckles )
Have you ever heard of hubris, sarah jane?
Exaggerated pride or self-confidence.
No.
You, father?
Mm.
I'll leave you to your thoughts.
( door rumbles )
Bill?
It's over, kid.
End of the line.
You're going to arrest me?
See, that's not funny.
Oh, I know.
What are you doing? What? What?
It's freezing.
( coffin and window close together )
You know,
If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes,
I never would've believed it.
I mean, you... You, sarah jane.
I mean... Me?
Don't-- don't-- don't play games with me.
Okay? We both know what's going on here.
Well, you've gotta understand.
The first time it was an accident.
( chuckles ) that's what you call it?
An accident?
Yeah.
You got the nerve to dine uptown with that scumbag...
Huh?
...And call it an accident?
Which scumbag?
What-- oh, god. Oh, jesus!
Son of a bitch!
There are others?
No. Maybe. Which?
Who? What? Huh?
Listen. What?
I saw you, you understand that?
I saw you get out of the car with him!
Who? Who? Well, you know--
One-- one of your execs on my list.
Uh, nether, okay? Last Tuesday night.
Right? Oh.
So, babe, uh, romance-wise,
You and me? We're history, okay?
Oh, oh. Bill, wait!
Nether and I, we just work together.
That's it.
It was just business, I swear.
Are you lying?
No?
Really?
I swear.
Damn it!
Stupid temper. Bill!
Stupid. I just-- don't. Don't.
I just thought-- I know, I know.
But you gotta learn to trust me.
What's that? What?
What's this?
Uh, that's why I came in.
To wrap it up.
It's a ring. For you.
Hmm.
It's okay. We'll get it resized.
Sarah jane...
Do you remember when, uh, when I told you
That when the time is right, we'll know?
You know what? What?
That time is right now.
Really?
Ah!
( whimpers )
¶ 'tis you, 'tis you must go and I must bide ¶
¶ but come ye back ¶
¶ in summers in the meadow... ¶
Under the circumstances, things were working out
Better than I could've expected.
I had the perfect man,
The perfect job,
And with nether six feet under,
The perfect alibi.
"I embezzled the money and the others found out,
"so I killed them one by one. Don't try to find me.
I've flown off to an island far, far away."
Sound like, uh, sound like him?
Um...
Who was this?
Oh, nether. Uh...
Yeah, that guy.
Could be. Could be.
Sarah jane, did you hear?
You mean nether?
Yeah. Can you believe it?
Maybe I was next, bill.
Yeah, maybe. Just, uh--
Boy, I don't know.
You know, a guy that meticulous,
You know, a guy willing to murder
In order to keep the money he embezzled,
A guy like that doesn't just leave 30 grand in his office.
And then there's the "l" thing.
The "l" thing?
Yeah, he spelled "sincerely" with two "l"s,
You know, but when I checked his other papers and stuff,
There were no mistakes, not a one.
Really?
( phone ringing )
Oh. Captain calling. See you later?
You can count on it.
Okay, kid.
Captain?
The "l" thing.
Who was sending the notes?
Ormsby?
My fellow asthmatic used the same inhaler as mine.
( coughing )
Foururadol was never to be mixed
With products containing aspirin...
Like clarity.
And since he only drank bottled water,
He was an easy target.
Bardo. Well, it would be the simplest thing in the world
To set her up as a victim of a sex crime.
In fact, if it didn't kill her...
She would probably enjoy it.
Mr. Everwright. Now, let's be real.
He was a few clowns short of a circus.
No way it was him.
Father grisham.
I'd actually confessed to father grisham.
But it turned out he was no saint himself.
And bill was getting closer to the truth.
The noose was starting to tighten.
But you said he left the country.
Yeah, but maybe he didn't. Policeman's ball.
I got him boarding a plane to jamaica,
Right, but he never gets off.
What if he just wants us to think he split, huh?
Policeman's ball.
So, you think he's still in town?
Yeah, he could be.
I tracked him down to a hotel
The day he supposedly got out of dodge, right?
Seems he diddled a chick in that room first.
Policeman's ball. A motel?
No, hotel. 11:00 a.M. Downtown marriott.
I didn't get a fix on the girlfriend,
But nether was definitely there. Policeman's ball.
Oh, god, then he did me later that afternoon.
Policeman's ball.
Pretzel for the lady, please.
Thanks.
Still, the best part of my theory?
I'll bite. Is what?
Nether always wore his cell phone, right?
Never went anywhere without it.
I'm not sure I follow.
Well, see, if we track down his cell phone,
We can send silent messages for up to 96 hours, right?
You locate the frequency, you locate the cell phone.
You locate the cell phone, you locate nether.
Connect the cell phone to wilder's,
You've got yourself a case...
In theory, anyway.
Come on, sweet knees.
I had to dig up mr. Ketchum's coffin
And find that cell phone before bill did,
And I needed that cash I'd hidden inside
To pay off my blackmailer.
And to think, management thought you were smarter than me.
Charmaine? W-what are you do--?
Payback for stealing my promotion.
( gasps )
You're my blackmailer!
Ooh. What are you--?
I'm the one who started you off on your little crime spree.
Oh, you... Followed me here?
I told beeber you were an easy lay.
But I'm not-- I said shut up!
I also clued in miss wilder.
And morty, too?
Yeah, sure, I teed up morty. Why not?
What I didn't count on was that you would actually start enjoying yourself.
( explosion )
No, no, but jejeune! Jejeune-- jejeune was my idea.
Oh, please, you stupid little bitch.
I'm the one who sent the fax of you and wilder.
Not that jerk!
I even had johnny blab to a few cops
That your mom had a room to let.
Figuring what, that a cop
Would pick up on-- on all those deaths...
At work.
Yeah, and zero in on you.
That's good. Yeah.
And you making nether the fall guy?
I mean, that was just-- that was just a bonus.
Now instead of just revenge, there was money to be had.
I would like that money, sarah jane.
Now!
Fine.
You're a bitch!
What?
( thunder rumbles )
( panting )
( clatter )
( grunting )
Get me the money!
Aah!
There! That blackmail note on the window.
Did you like my printing?
Remember when your dad died
For beating up your mom?
I do.
Your mom said daddy boozehound
Had a head-on with a cement truck,
But you said you knew different.
You said it was your guardian angel,
St. George, that he'd come to save you.
Well, hon, where's your guardian angel now? Huh?
( coughing )
( gasping )
Hey, sare!
Where's your saint now?
Hey, char!
( hissing )
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
( tolling ) aaah!
( shutters clicking )
Yes, uh, we did recover a cell phone
We believed to be miss wilder's.
As it turns out, it was another commuter's.
Had charmaine abatemarco been having an affair with nether?
Well, uh, we did trace them to a certain motel,
So that seems to be the case, yes.
And then, what, they argued over her share of the embezzled money?
That is a scenario that we're pursuing,
That miss abatemarco killed mr. Nether,
Hid him and the money inside the coffin,
Returned later to dig it up,
And either somehow slipped or jumped from the belfry.
Uh, detective.
Uh, your name.
Is that with one "l" or with two?
M-a-l-l-o-y.
On the home front, mom finally got around
To cleaning out mr. Ketchum's belongings.
( gasps )
It turns out she was right
About mr. Ketchum having a secret stash.
Her thrift shop days were over.
Whoo! Whoo!
And in a surprising twist, a change of management
Not precipitated by my gentle touch,
Mr. Everwright just plain old retired,
And the board rewarded mr. Ormsby for years of--
Well, just for years.
And I inherited
Not only ormsby's plum marketing job,
But also his very cool corner office.
Are you taking a smoke break out there?
Let's go.
Thank you.
You know, I'm not loving that. Not loving it.
Let's try it back over on the other side.
That's what you guys get for slacking, you know what I mean?
Things were perfect.
That's good. That's good.
You guys like the dog here?
But then...
I do.
Bill called.
You know, sarah jane, I've been thinkin'.
Yeah, bill? What about?
About that ring you gave me.
I feel like I've, uh, seen it somewhere before.
Really.
In the, uh, store window next to this one.
( gasps ) oh!
( laughing )
Come here, kid.
St. George, patron saint of chivalry
And major dragon slayer, had come through for me again.
I was a successful executive,
And I had my knight in shining armor,
But not without a price.
So, I tried to compensate where I could,
Atone for my sins.
Oh, hey! Hey hey hey hey!
Coffee's ready and, uh, you have three calls.
Good morning, by the way.
Later. And, l.J., just water.
I decided to recommend l.J. Feffer for a promotion
To give him the opportunity I'd had,
But without all the dirty deeds.
It was the least I could do for st. George.
Dear mr. Ormsby...
My time at judge pharmaceuticals
Has been the most rewarding experience of my life.
This company has offered me the unexpected opportunity
To work my way up the corporate ladder.
On that note, I would like to recommend a bright young man
For our new entry-level executive position,
My assistant, l.J. Feffer.
Thank you.
Ooh.
Mm!
L.J. Yeah?
I wanted to say that I think you're doing a terrific job.
( chuckles )
Oh, the, uh--
You were out of water bottles,
So... I just stole
One of ormsby's from the kitchen.
Forward thinking. I like that.
Though at first glance,
L.J. Might seem more expendable...
Hey, l.J.!
Yeah?
"expendable." does that have an "a" in it, or an "I"?
Um... Hold on.
Just looking it up.
"expendable. Used up or consumed in service."
Uh, e-x-p-e-n-d-a-b-l-e.
Okay. Oh, oh, wait. Hold on.
Wait a second. What was that again?
E-x. E-x.
P-e.
P--
"x."
L.J.?
Yeah.
That water that you got from mr. Ormsby's water jug.
It didn't, by chance, have an "x" marked on the top?
Would I do things differently, knowing what I know now?
Would st. George not have killed the dragon?
I'd never be a saint,
But we can't start over.
There is no past.
There is no future.
We only have now.
The rest, like mom always said, is karma.
We get what we deserve.